Tie Your Shoestrings Here

Fighting Normalcy One Post at a Time

The Movies Almost Never Get it Right

Hollywood seems to be hellbent on creating some of the most atrocious weddings.

I don’t know if it’s because America has been exposed to super trashy Vegas like weddings with an Elvis, pink flamingos and half-naked samba ladies or simply because America is the breeding ground for bad taste. Okay, fine, I might be a little biased and maybe I am generalizing. America the big nation that it is naturally would be home to those people who have either good taste or bad taste. For example, Honey Boo Boo anyone? Jerseylicious? So, yes like I said bad taste, good taste, America has it all.

I’m side-tracking again. What I’m really here to talk about is Hollywood weddings. Not the kind where real life celebrities get hitched and divorce a year later. I’m not talking about the 72 day marriage (reference here to a particularly annoying celebrity) but honest-t0-god screen weddings. The kind we pile into the cinema to watch about with our girlfriends when we’re all upset over the stupid boy who broke our heart last weekend. I was born in the 1990’s, but before I go any further I’d like to make it clear that most of us are different from the Generation Y of today. Let me explain, the generation Y of today that you see getting called ‘youths’ (it has become such a derogatory term) are not the ones born during the years of brick like mobile phones, web 1.0 or Titanic, that belonged to my generation. We are much better than the generation who came after us who were weaned on iphones, ipods, web 2.0, Twitter and Facebook. I just wanted to be clear.

Think about 27 dresses. That is the sort of screen wedding I’d like to talk about today. Hollywood has a nasty habit of bastardizing the good old fashion wedding ceremony. Often times if I’m watching one of those wedding films on television I tend to throw random objects such as cutlery, tissue boxes, pillows at the television. I get that offended that my sweet innocent eyes have to go through such travesty. Who in their right mind would have themed Victorian weddings where everyone dressed up like Bo-Beep and her missing sheep? Who? You might as well have dunked the bride in a vat of honey and called it a day.

1. Bride Wars


I hear some of you gasping, don’t worry I have no idea what possessed me to watch this movie through. If you had shown this to James Bond, he would have broken out all of MI6’s secrets in a second, it was just that much torture. The truth was it was airing on television one night and since I had nothing better to do I decided to just stick with it. Beside it had Anne Hathaway in it and she’s a mediocre actress but she’s pretty which equates in my mind as eye candy.

The plot was forgettable and rather droll at times but the wedding scenes, it had some high points and some serious low points. The wedding dresses for one were miserable, it was like looking at a thousand beautiful wedding dresses with mermaid tails, long satin bows, gorgeous embroidery but they decided that they would get the ugliest ones out of the bunch. Anne Hathaway’s dress was a fat suit made in white. There I said it. It was horrifying watching someone obviously that pretty getting to wear something that looked as if the designers couldn’t be bothered in making another dress and decided to just lop on some fabric, add a mermaid tail and ‘ta-da’. Kate Hudson’s dress was a little more acceptable. They were aiming for princess and they got it but the thing I didn’t understand was the bodice. Plain and boring, no embroidery, nothing, na-da. I think plain and simple is beautiful but this was not one of those times. For goodness sake, the both of them didn’t even have any jewelry to lace up their necks. No one in the right state of mind would go out into a wedding without at least a little bling. And the purple bouquet. Your wedding was cream and white with accents of green, couldn’t you have stuck to the original colour scheme you daft woman? Why on earth would you want a purple bouquet? I don’t care if it is your favourite colour, it is like you have a masterpiece of a painting and then someone decided to draw a penis on it. It was that out of place.

2. 27 Dresses

I am ashamed that beyond whatever capable comprehension that I could ever have had, I actually like this movie. It probably spoke to my ID instead of my intellect. Heavens, I’m so ashamed I think my blush is burning my face off at this very moment. This movie had a sweet plot, girl likes boy but boy falls for vindictive sister who is a total slut (but pretends she’s not), second boy likes girl but girl doesn’t know it until very end. Beyond that, it was about weddings and more importantly being a bridesmaid. I know I haven’t been focusing on bridesmaids alot but they are and incredibly important part of a wedding. Katherine Heigl is a bridesmaid 27 times and some of the dresses she wore are not too bad, like the olive coloured one seemed rather elegant and I especially enjoyed the bollywood sari (I have a thing for Bollywood, don’t judge) and I really, really liked the shade of purple she wore in the beginning (although the dress was a little not my taste, it was still a pretty good effort for the directors to have choosen something that was substantially stylish).

The thing is- why were there so many themed weddings? I have a gripe about theme weddings, I really do. It’s not because I’m some demented detail obsessed harpy determined to suck out the joy in weddings but themed weddings just don’t sit right with me. They are trashy, cop out ways and a trope that is constantly explored in bad films. I have seen some rather well planned and executed themed weddings but the majority of those that I have come across have left a nasty,  bitter and rancid taste in my mouth. Think about it, as humans we are more likely to remember bad things that others have done unto us rather than the good things. Bad weddings will always leave a scar on your soul and later on in life when you plan your own wedding you will recall that and try not to make the same mistakes. You don’t want poor colour schemes which clash, think bright neon-ish pink and dull, vomit tinged yellow. You don’t want the cake to have cartoon characters on it do you?

Out of the 27 I could have said that only three had the potential of being nicely planned out weddings other than that the others especially the Bo-Peep one (my god what was the bride thinking? No one should have to be punished so horrifically by being strung up into layers upon layers of hideous frills and lace, and hair in curls like that. No one). I’m not even going to comment on the goth wedding. Really, I just won’t. You can infer whatever you want about how I feel about that one.

3. Princess Bride 

“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, be prepared to die!”

SQUEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL <breath> LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

I will die with this movie, I will take this movie to my grave and cradle it in my cold bosom so that when they lay me to rest in the ground I will have this movie to keep me company. This movie is perfect, it is ultimately the most perfect thing ever created. If anyone of you say anything bad about this movie, I will hunt you down and cut you like a bitch. No kidding. I will hog tie you in string and roast you over a fire. I will make you watch episodes of Barney the Purple Dinosaur over and over again until your ears and eyes bleed. Mark my words, don’t you DARE say anything bad about Princess Bride.

There is nothing I can say about this movie that will ever be able to leap enough praise on it. I could wax leagues of poetry dedicated to the genius that this movie/book is and I will still not have been able to have done enough to tell the world of how perfect it is. Wait, have you watched and/or read the Princess Bride before? I don’t even know who you are if you haven’t. Be gone and don’t come back until you watch it. Go now, rent it/buy it/illegally download it/stream it and watch it. You’ll thank me later.

In any case, Buttercup our heroine is perfect, beautiful and absolutely divine. Her bridal dress is just a thing of beauty, the amount of detailed showered on it. It is the Disney version of old biddies hunched over in their solar in the dead of winter night sewing this dress to completion. It is just that stunning. Of course, it’s princess like with how much detail there is but I mean I can ignore that because hello, fantasy genre anyone? The Princess Bride is a movie that made me think that Hollywood could actually conceive good weddings in films but then as I look back to all the movies of today, my hopes are cruelly dashed.

This film will be untarnished, the beauty of their romance and the eventual wedding of each others hearts to one another will forever stay with me. Also, Cary Elwes (who plays Westley)? You perfect, flawless man. I would be pregnant with you babies just by touching your hand. Your visage should have been chiselled onto marble by the likes of Leonardo Da Vinci, you should be honoured with OBE and your image should be beamed out to outerspace to attract space visitors. Of course I’m remembering you when you played this movie and not now when your not that good looking and chubby.

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This entry was posted on October 22, 2012 by and tagged , , , .
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